The Life of Sammie: Your Thursday Read

[Ducky MoMo]

Forward: This is a fictional story I made up about a person I shot in DayZ named Sammie. So there are tons of DayZ references and such, as well I didn't proofread so if you point out mistakes, you're just a dick.

I am Sammie, I feel alive…

I woke up on the coast, the loud sounds of the waves crashing ashore startled me into waking. My stomach growled, and I was hungry. All I had on me were the clothes on my back and a flashlight in my trousers. It was noon-ish, and the sun was high in the sky, so I had no need for my light now, so I licked the battery to test if it was good, and it tasted fully charged. Time to move, coast on my right I trekked north, coming across some town with a cyrillic name; Unpronounceable, unspeakable, and down right offensive to the eye.

Searching, I found myself some beans. Score.

From a red house, to a green, to a bar, and to a warehouse, I found the best things I could find and placed them on my back. I now had a crowbar, a couple of peaches and beans, some Pipsi, and a totally sweet backpack that looked like a suitcase. I think the backpack was made for children, but it was read, it was my size, and it was fuckin’ bitchin’.

I continued north when I heard a terrifying screech. I turned to find a man charging at me, but, it was no man. It stumbled as it sprinted until it leapt at me with all of it’s momentum. Fuck, I felt blood dripping from me. I pulled my crowbar off of my back and smacked him over the head. He didn’t fall, so I kept doing it, again and again, and on the seventh blow he fell. I tore my shirt to make some rags, which I then wrapped around my bleeding arm. It had stopped, but more came in the distance.

I ran, as fast as I could, doubling my usual forward speed until the monsters gave up. I kept north after that, and managed to sneak past a highly populated industrial area into a gas station, where I consumed all of my rations. My stomach was full.

There was large town in the distance, maybe it could be called a city. It had a crane atop a hill looking over the city, so that was my first stop. Under the crane was a building clearly unfinished. I searched it, and fuck, there was a sledgehammer to replace my somehow worthless crowbar, and a mountain bag. It could carry so much, so I had to remove my bitch-pack, as much as it pained me. Such a good find though, as on my journey through the town I found so much food and drink that I needed the space. The sledgehammer dispatched Zs in two hits, it was heavy as fuck, but it worked. I named it Jimmy, it was my friend. Jimmy and I fought tooth and nail through that town until we arrived at a police station.

There was a Magnum sitting right on the first table I saw, it was fully loaded. I’d never fired a gun before, but it seemed a necessary item to carry. Who knows what other monsters I’ll find out here. Then, the gun seemed a pitiful find. I had laid my eyes on something on the floor, it was the holy grail, a fucking can opener. I had to open cans with Jimmy before, and even my shitty crowbar, both ended up spilling some, and Jimmy worked surprisingly well to open cans, but nothing compared to the glorious can opener. 100% awesome.

I walked outside, Jimmy in hand, happy of my accomplishments and my unspilled beans. Then, those words echoed through the streets, “Get the fuck down!”. So I went prone and put my hands on my head, the man who had yelled it walked in front of me. He wore a cowboy hat and a pink raincoat; a very odd fellow, a right cunt. Before he could loot my stuff and possibly feed me objects I would rather stay out of me, I hear a scream come from a building. “Friendly!” and a man with a fire axe ran out, and cut that robber’s head off. I got up, thanked him, and started walking away. I’d like to make friends, but I have Jimmy, and Jimmy has me.

Again, I hear that word, “Friendly”. He was chasing me now, yelling it, repeating it. He wore a bandana over his face, so I couldn’t see his evil intent beneath the sheet. I drew my magnum to be safe, turned to face him, and waited. He walked up, said, “Yo, I’m friendly”, then raised his axe and swung at me. He missed. He fucking missed. I raised my gun and fired all 6 shots at him. His head almost exploded, his torso was ripped apart, and most of his items were ruined. I felt sick. I had just killed a man. But, it was him or me. As much as it pained me, I took his axe and left Jimmy there. Jimmy understood, it was a matter of survival, and that axe could help me survive more than he could. I’ll never forget his sacrifice.

I made my way inland, feeling both sick and hungry, and that’s when it struck me, I was starving. I had been for a while, but the high of adrenaline prevented me from focusing on such an obvious, in my face danger. I looked into my bag and it had nothing to eat. What good was my glorious can opener without a can?!

I struggled to keep going, after 2 minutes of discovering my growing hunger, I was dying of starvation. I checked a bush for berries, and had discovered just enough to stave off death for a bit longer. The next town had food, so I ate and after stuffing myself, became completely energized.

There was an airfield in the distance. I almost missed it, but while killing a Z I noticed that the town I was in overlooked it, and so I made the walk there. I pillaged it for some boots, a nice military jacket, pants, and carrying vest. No guns though. It felt like there should have been more to loot, like it used to be more military focused but was changed into some civilian-focused shit for no goddamn reason. Still got shit though, so I guess that was good.

My axe needed a name. It had served me well, and it was the only thing keeping me sane, so I named it Rebecca. I think a female voice was needed to provide a different input than my male mind could provide. And god, Rebecca was sexy. She curved so nice, and felt so good to wrap your hands around. Heavy but not too heavy, and she was my girl. I’ll admit, we did things, I was lonely and she was there… What was I going to do? I needed release. I’d just killed a man.

We journeyed, walking more than the three Lord of the Rings movies put together, and eventually, after many towns, came across a helicopter crash. There were bodies, and guns,and ammo scattered across the scorched earth. The smell of decayed and burned flesh was pungent. I didn’t want to be there, so I grabbed an AK74U with ammo, stuffed it in my bag, and ran.

Not 150 meters out was another airfield, this one was badass. It was military. I searched hangers, tents, the air traffic control, and all of it was already pillaged. The only place I found anything worthwhile was a jail, in it was a makarov with a few mags. It may have lacked power, but at least it had ammo. That empty magnum wouldn’t do me well in a fight. The sun was setting, and my day was coming down.

That word again, “Friendly”. Some small asian woman was standing behind me with almost no gear. It’s as if she had just run here. Instinctively I pulled out Rebecca. The asian woman approached.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“PussyDestroyer420” She replied.

It was an unusual name, but she was so hot, so i let it slide. She sounded like a man from Brooklyn, but that didn’t matter. She was so fucking hot.

That’s when Rebecca did it. She saw the look in my eyes, the admiration, the attraction. She lept and smacked PussyDestroyer420 in her face, killing her instantly. I fell to a crouch, Rebecca was so jealous… It was my fault, it was preventable…

I searched my bloody asian friend, and she had some food, some burlap, netting, and black spray paint. I took that paint into my hands, and examined it. Sighing, I knew Rebecca had to be punished, so as a reminder of her crime, I marked her. I spray painted her black. She wasn’t happy, but she dealt with it.

I don’t even know which direction I went to, all I know is that it was night. After a few seconds of standing there I was able to make myself more adjusted to the darkness. All I know is that I stumbled across an army base not far from the airfield. Before entering I looked into my backpack for something that might serve me well. I managed to craft a ghillie wrap for my gun, which means some awesome camouflage for me.

I felt bad ass as fuck.

I searched the barracks around the area and wasn’t able to find much, as if it had also already been picked over. Just to be cautious, I drew my AK. Maybe it would finally see some action.

There it stood, the jail, the last building in the base. Hopefully it would have something nice, something to help me survive this horrible world. I went to open the door when my hand slipped and it shut. Fuck. So I readjusted my grip and opened it. I saw a dark spot on the floor, followed by 8 flashes and deafening bangs. Then darkness. My last thought was, “What about Rebecca?” but I’ll never know…

I am Sammie, and I am fucking dead.

[Sanborne]

Next week, the story of ducky momo and sammys parasitic meat!

[Ducky MoMo]

Next week, the story of ducky momo and sammys parasitic meat!

Oh, and yeah, after I shot him I cooked and ate Sammie, and it gave me Kuru (It's real, look it up, crazy shit man) and I put a gun to my head and offed myself ingame.

[Sanborne]

i have the screenshot to prove he's being serious