Funny Craig's List Ads...

[Ford 1st MRB]

My son is turning 16 and really wanted Lil Wayne to perform for his birthday gala. Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it. I need a Lil Wayne impersonator desperately.

Here is the kicker my son is blind so you do not need to look like the rapper just sound like him. I understand he grunts and mumbles a lot. I don’t care if you are 67 and Jewish if you can sing the songs you’re hired. Money is not an issue. Name your price. Interested individuals please let me know your rap experience, video of you performing as Lil Wayne would be better. If that is not feasible we can arrange for a live audition.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!

[Zachow 1st MRB]

Wow................

[Gooderham 1st MRB]

I had a great one that i took a screencap of. I will post it later.

[Gooderham 1st MRB]

Here you guys go, a collection of voted upon greatness.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

[Kirkendall 1st MRB]

Links to lists are a lazy man's way out:

20-30 henchmen needed for moderately-sized supervillain organisation with large expansion potential (fortresses built into geological structures, corruption of government officials, possible genesis of 'nemesis' vigilante). Electrical theme.

Applicants must be willing to learn new skills, including but not limited to operation of specialised 'lightning guns'. Applicants will also be required to wear specialised uniform when at work (functional rubber suits with my logo on front), except in cases where deception is required (posing as hostages in order to ambush vigilantes, etc).

Desired (but not necessarily required) in applicants:

-interesting deformations/obsessions/powers(?) giving rise to interesting nicknames (e.g. Claws, Pyro, Buzzsaw, and similar)

-unwavering loyalty

-being a corruptible government official

-ability to work as part of a close-knit team (unless interesting obsession is of the 'lone wolf' variety)

-grudge against any well-known vigilante

-flexible moral code

Equal opportunies employer. Both henchmen and femmes fatales absolutely welcome.

Great promotion opportunities - right-hand-man position constantly being unexpectedly opened. Would look good on any future supervillain resume/CV.

Send an email with details of any prior henchman work, or details of what is driving you to join the ranks of a supervillain organisation. Will reply to all serious applicants. Hope to hear from you, and with luck, welcome you into a rewarding and promising career!

- Jacque (The Zapper) Zerapi

* Location: London, but planned worldwide expansion

* Compensation: �20,000pa starting salary, with added commissions based around success of supervillain operations. Contracts negotiable depending on applicant's personal skills/powers.

* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.

* Please, no phone calls about this job!

* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

[Ford 1st MRB]

So there you are, suddenly single after fifteen years of faithful monogamy that came to a crashing halt when you discovered that the other "partner" felt that monogamy only applied to one of you, and it wasn't her. Now, despite the fact that you've been a hard-working sole provider for a decade and a half and you technically own half of a really nice, big, house in the burbs, you find yourself sitting in an unfurnished crappy little two-bedroom apartment little bigger than the one you first moved into straight out of college. You have an old table with one chair, a beat up couch you got from your folks back in the early 90s and which they got in the 70s, a mattress with no frame, and thank god, a tv. (But that bitch wouldn't let you have the remote, would she?) You're not exactly at the top of your game, but what's worse is that you don't know where the kids will sleep.

Yea, the kids. They still love you. They want to come and see you. They did nothing wrong. But now you have nowhere (other than the couch) for them to sleep.

Sound familiar? Well then have I got a deal for you. Feast your eyes upon the Grinding Wheels of Justice Bunkbed.

You see, it will get better. The wheels of karmic justice may grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine. You will reconstruct your ego, and your life. Then you'll slowly start having a social life. You'll fix some of those things about yourself you always wanted to fix but didn't have the time/energy because you were so busy being provider/husband/father. You'll meet a brilliant and gorgeous woman who, coincidentally, happens to be much younger than you. You'll fall in love. For her part, your ex will fall into bankruptcy, get all sorts of inappropriate tattoos, and basically ruin her own life without any help from you. But the first step to all of that is having somewhere for the kids to sleep. That's where the bunkbed comes in.

As you can see from the picture, it's steel framed, relatively new, comes with two mattresses, and the bottom bunk is a couch until you pull it out into a futon. So here is the scale:

If any or all of this applies to you, if you are the one who was cheated (male or female) on and you STILL had to move out and need somewhere for your kids to sleep: $75 and hell, I'll throw in some pillows for you.

If you are a single mother or father, perhaps for other reasons, it's still a bargain at $100

If you are a young couple, working hard to make ends meet but doing pretty well, with your whole lives in front of you: $101

If you are the one who cheated in your marriage/partnership, the one who had to leave the house because you could not stop your libido from overruling your vows: $3,275. And I get to punch you in the face. In fact, I'll probably do that anyway, on the principle of the thing.

That one made me laugh.

[Englebretson 1st MRB]

You and your girlfriend live in the apartment below me. I came home about 20 minutes ago and could easily see you bent over the couch getting banged by a dude in your living room. Next time be sure to close your vertical blinds all the way when getting nailed with the lights on, or at least angle them away from the parking lot, or maybe take it into the bedroom. FYI: I hooked up with the same dude a year ago, and though he's got a pretty big tool, he did give me crabs. Yes, I'm sure it is the same dude. His tattoos are unmistakable. Anyway, I suggest a full bottle of Rid-X before the girlfriend gets back in town.